"The minute you begin to do what you really want to do, it's really a different kind of life."
Very recently, I have gone through some big plot twists in my life. You know, those ones that you never see coming, but once they're in view they're harder to stop than an oncoming semi?? Yeah, those. After dusting myself off, I decided it was high time to make some changes. Pretty soon I will be out in the "real world," and to be perfectly honest, I'm not too excited about the idea of putting my current self out there as-is.
As someone who lives their life around the anticipated actions and feelings of others, I have always relied on carefully calculated maneuvers that will keep everything around me in perfect harmony. My first instinct has always been to step back and only make my moves once I know what everyone else is going to do. To sacrifice my own satisfaction and self-worth to make sure that everyone else gets what they want. And you know what...?
WE HAVE GOT TO STOP DOING THAT. SERIOUSLY, CUT IT OUT.
Honestly?! Where did that mentality come from? I now know for a fact that it doesn't leave you any better off, and quite frankly, that behavior has the potential to leave you more bitter and resentful than you would ever imagine. And if you are anything like me, I probably have a pretty good idea of what you're thinking right now...
I'm incapable of being selfish.
What if I piss someone off? I can't deal with making people mad.
I'm more comfortable this way, it's how I've always been.
Blah, blah, blah. The list goes on for miles...
Why should we continue to make ourselves miserable, so that everyone around us can be happy? And who says that they (those people we are so desperately concerned about) wouldn't be happy if we did what we wanted to?? And why are we so desperately concerned about them??? And what do we get out of all of this????
Nothing. That's what.
We, these overly caring, pacifistic, people-pleasing martyrs get absolutely nothing. No benefit, no personal gain, not even our own happiness to cling to, because all of those things and more are being stifled by some innate desire to know what everyone is going to think and do before we can act, ourselves.
Very recently, I have experienced true bliss for the first time in a long time. And you know why? Because I have started on this daunting journey of doing what I want, and of putting my feelings first. I can promise you that there is no better sensation than feeling so completely content and free that you just simply do not know what to do with yourself. You want to run, scream, and explode simultaneously. Yeah, pretty fucking awesome. I'm not writing all of this to give you the go-ahead to be a self-righteous douche who expects everyone to duck under their big feet as they go stomping around to get their way. I'm talking about the little things. The little actions that people like us smother because we don't want to upset or offend anyone who might not see eye-to-eye with us.
That guy you have a thing for? Tell him. (Yes, this is terrifying for me as well)
You're already 5'9" but you wanna take those four-inch platform wedges for a spin? Wear the hell out of them.
Someone looks at you funny because you're blasting [insert embarrassing musical artist here] in the parking garage? Turn it up louder.
You would really rather not go to that "awesome rager."? Say no.
We have ONE LIFE, PEOPLE. THIS IS IT. Don't look back and regret that you didn't go for that guy because he might not feel the same, or didn't wear those heels because people would stare. Your life is too precious to be wasting it on anyone but yourself. Someone isn't ready for you?? Oh well. Don't take it personally, pick your head up, and keep moving until you find someone that is. We are too incredible and magical to limit ourselves to fit into someone else's box. The people who are meant to appreciate you will find you and stay in your life, stop making yourself miserable by trying to, instead, find them.
I promise it'll be worth it.