Tuesday, June 10, 2014


Sometimes I don't take off my makeup before I go to bed.

Other times, I leave my laundry sitting in the dryer for days (yes, I said days). 

I procrastinate beyond belief, and I tend to neglect my responsibilities.

I am sharp-tongued and often too critical of others.

I am indecisive.

I am selfish.

I am impatient. 

Sometimes I hate myself. I mean really hate myself for no reason at all.

However, out of all of my weaknesses, I feel that my reluctance to trust others to remain true to their word is the most paramount. Stemming from being over-analytical to a fault, I find myself preparing to emotionally pull out of any situation or relationship that changes ever-so-slightly from what it used to be. As soon as everything starts to lose its rosy hue, it takes all the strength I have to not tuck my tail between my legs and sulk away, whispering to myself that I knew everything was too good to be true.

I have the tendency to become emotionally attached very quickly. I love too deeply, and have a heart so big that I sometimes trip over it. As a result, I am constantly prepared to be let down, so as to protect myself from being left behind in the dust, knocked flat on my ass. I have a hard time giving others the benefit of the doubt, even if they have done nothing but prove to me that that they deserve it more than anyone I have ever met.

Trusting others to be true to their word is something I am constantly working on, if for no other reason than the person in question deserves my full and steadfast confidence. How incredibly selfish and ridiculous it is to assume that because of some insignificant and undetectable shift in dynamic, I am about to be tossed aside like that dress you spilled a glass of pinot noir down the front of; once adored, but now useless.  

We, as sentient human beings, are masters of our own fates. By reacting adversely to that phone call that didn't come, or that hug that was milliseconds shorter than the last, who is to say that I am not reversely pushing someone away? I am allowing myself to miss opportunities and ruin relationships because I am pathetically responding to these inconsequential factors that I am wholeheartedly convinced are subtle hints that I am expected to pick up on. 

I am slowly learning to just be content with the present, and allowing others to have my undiminished trust until they show me they don't deserve it. Putting your whole heart into something is terrifying, but I am finding that I'm infinitely happier when I do. Instead of playing the part of a fortune teller and predicting what everyone around me is thinking and feeling, I am trying to just allow people to be accountable for themselves.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

<3 Bre